Documented Existential Crisis
*The following was a personal message to my girlfriend at the time and I have replaced all real names with fake ones. I dug it up, and other notes similar to it, and realized that I have a similar existential crisis on a seemingly repeated schedule*
That was surreal. A moment I just experienced. I was sitting in a room with most of the members of my "small group" bible study from three years ago. It seems I'm the only one who has changed.
I didn't know how to feel, it was strange. I felt kind of elitist. Nathan was still excited and talking about the same old lame stuff. He always talks about his professors and he thinks they're the greatest and funniest people in the world. He forces the idealized mentor character onto these professors, often who are undeserving of it. James is still smart and knows everything. James and Nathan are arguing about the dumbest shit as always. Carmen is still nice but kind of annoying, I think she matured a bit. And then theres me and I feel like I've grown the most. Even though at the same time, I feel like I've had such a hard time to barely succeed in anything. It made me feel sad, but proud of myself. Then I heard the theatre girl in the background talk about how exhausted she is from her classes. As an engineering major who cannot catch a study break, that could easily annoy me, and three years ago it would have, but not anymore. I'm just so over it. I'm so over all of it. I'm so over all the fake bullshit that all these people somehow live by. No one is actually experiencing life. To them it's exiting when I say a very slightly harsh or controversial joke. The reaction is like "ooooohh shoot court he be roasting people," when I literally didn't give what I said any thought. It wasn't even a joke.
I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels like I'm an asshole for being angry about these things. Because I've been fortunate to live an exiting and experience-driven life. But the frustrated part of me feels like I'm the only one that is trying to change myself and improve things. I've been working so hard and overcoming this shit in college, and I took that ridiculously hard job over the summer, I'm in the best relationship that I've ever had, and no one gives a shit. Which is great, because I don't want the attention. But at the same time I want people to care and recognize what I've overcome. But then I think about this, there's someone else who's done a lot more work than me and accomplished less because of more initial hardship in their lives, and that fact makes me feel like a chump.
I don't even know what my identity is. Sometimes I feel like a badass, but sometimes I feel ungrateful, and sometimes unrecognized. Then I think, what if all these feelings are completely based on other people's view of me, which is not what one's identity should be based on, right? Now I just tell myself, it's totally normal and no one knows anything, everyone is just as confused and insecure as you. But I don't want that to be true. I want to be unique and awesome. I don't want to have normal problems. I want to have exclusive experiences that set me apart from everyone else. Is that selfish? I have no idea. I just don't know what to think. Maybe it's just because it's 1 am and I shouldn't be up because I'm running off 5 hours of sleep. But that's what I'm thinking about at this time.
Also, I'm hungry, and I have no money. I'm taking six classes, and working 10 hours a week which barely pays rent. I'm literally living off potatoes and free food that random people give me. A fucking blind guy bought me lunch yesterday. I'm at this level, which is fairly new to me. No one knows, either. I couldn't possibly have any life problems. "Look how successful and perfect he is, he has everything going for him." Except it sure seems like everything is going against me. Maybe I'm just a whiney annoying millennial, and that's probably true. Nothing I've gone through compares to what other people have, and I recognize that as I grew up in third world countries and saw it. But I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, so I should just stop. But then how do I feel good about myself? How do I know the difference between a good and bad life? What the hell is it relative to, hell? Christians have told me that I have to be "rooted in God", but I don't even know what that means. I don't know how that makes me feel better. Is life supposed to be better than this? I have no idea. Maybe this is it, maybe this is how it always will be. Right now I'm practically eating two meals a day, and I hope that changes. I shouldn't tell you that cause you'll get all scared but really I'm fine. I want to cry. I really wanna cry. But I can't, because my roommate is right next to me. I'm not even sad. I'm just beyond all emotion at this point. Beyond it, but full of it at the same time. I feel like a shitty person. Like I don't matter at all. I feel small. Which makes me feel worthless, but maybe thats humility?
I want to be the best person in the world. But I can't be. That's not "God's plan". I'm a molecule of dye on God's painting and no one would notice if I wasn't here. So what's the point, Is it for me? Is everything here to serve for a better life for me and everybody else? What's the point of religion, and making the world better and more beautiful. I have no clue. Why does God care, why did he make us. Maybe it's just art for him, the earth is one of his pieces of art that he's carefully sculpting. But beauty can't be the purpose of the universe and all existence, can it be? Who knows. Please point me towards someone who knows. I guess "love" is the point of the universe. That's what a modern Christian would say. Which is what I've always told myself and it's a good thing to live by. But it's just too vague and I wan't more information out of it. I can live a simple loving life and do things for people and everything will be fine. But I have moments like this where I'm just burning inside and I'm spewing smoke out my lungs onto this phone screen where I'm sharing it to you. Like what the hell am I doing. Should I just stop having these thoughts? Are these thoughts not for me?
*The following was a personal message to my girlfriend at the time and I have replaced all real names with fake ones. I dug it up, and other notes similar to it, and realized that I have a similar existential crisis on a seemingly repeated schedule*
That was surreal. A moment I just experienced. I was sitting in a room with most of the members of my "small group" bible study from three years ago. It seems I'm the only one who has changed.
I didn't know how to feel, it was strange. I felt kind of elitist. Nathan was still excited and talking about the same old lame stuff. He always talks about his professors and he thinks they're the greatest and funniest people in the world. He forces the idealized mentor character onto these professors, often who are undeserving of it. James is still smart and knows everything. James and Nathan are arguing about the dumbest shit as always. Carmen is still nice but kind of annoying, I think she matured a bit. And then theres me and I feel like I've grown the most. Even though at the same time, I feel like I've had such a hard time to barely succeed in anything. It made me feel sad, but proud of myself. Then I heard the theatre girl in the background talk about how exhausted she is from her classes. As an engineering major who cannot catch a study break, that could easily annoy me, and three years ago it would have, but not anymore. I'm just so over it. I'm so over all of it. I'm so over all the fake bullshit that all these people somehow live by. No one is actually experiencing life. To them it's exiting when I say a very slightly harsh or controversial joke. The reaction is like "ooooohh shoot court he be roasting people," when I literally didn't give what I said any thought. It wasn't even a joke.
I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels like I'm an asshole for being angry about these things. Because I've been fortunate to live an exiting and experience-driven life. But the frustrated part of me feels like I'm the only one that is trying to change myself and improve things. I've been working so hard and overcoming this shit in college, and I took that ridiculously hard job over the summer, I'm in the best relationship that I've ever had, and no one gives a shit. Which is great, because I don't want the attention. But at the same time I want people to care and recognize what I've overcome. But then I think about this, there's someone else who's done a lot more work than me and accomplished less because of more initial hardship in their lives, and that fact makes me feel like a chump.
I don't even know what my identity is. Sometimes I feel like a badass, but sometimes I feel ungrateful, and sometimes unrecognized. Then I think, what if all these feelings are completely based on other people's view of me, which is not what one's identity should be based on, right? Now I just tell myself, it's totally normal and no one knows anything, everyone is just as confused and insecure as you. But I don't want that to be true. I want to be unique and awesome. I don't want to have normal problems. I want to have exclusive experiences that set me apart from everyone else. Is that selfish? I have no idea. I just don't know what to think. Maybe it's just because it's 1 am and I shouldn't be up because I'm running off 5 hours of sleep. But that's what I'm thinking about at this time.
Also, I'm hungry, and I have no money. I'm taking six classes, and working 10 hours a week which barely pays rent. I'm literally living off potatoes and free food that random people give me. A fucking blind guy bought me lunch yesterday. I'm at this level, which is fairly new to me. No one knows, either. I couldn't possibly have any life problems. "Look how successful and perfect he is, he has everything going for him." Except it sure seems like everything is going against me. Maybe I'm just a whiney annoying millennial, and that's probably true. Nothing I've gone through compares to what other people have, and I recognize that as I grew up in third world countries and saw it. But I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, so I should just stop. But then how do I feel good about myself? How do I know the difference between a good and bad life? What the hell is it relative to, hell? Christians have told me that I have to be "rooted in God", but I don't even know what that means. I don't know how that makes me feel better. Is life supposed to be better than this? I have no idea. Maybe this is it, maybe this is how it always will be. Right now I'm practically eating two meals a day, and I hope that changes. I shouldn't tell you that cause you'll get all scared but really I'm fine. I want to cry. I really wanna cry. But I can't, because my roommate is right next to me. I'm not even sad. I'm just beyond all emotion at this point. Beyond it, but full of it at the same time. I feel like a shitty person. Like I don't matter at all. I feel small. Which makes me feel worthless, but maybe thats humility?
I want to be the best person in the world. But I can't be. That's not "God's plan". I'm a molecule of dye on God's painting and no one would notice if I wasn't here. So what's the point, Is it for me? Is everything here to serve for a better life for me and everybody else? What's the point of religion, and making the world better and more beautiful. I have no clue. Why does God care, why did he make us. Maybe it's just art for him, the earth is one of his pieces of art that he's carefully sculpting. But beauty can't be the purpose of the universe and all existence, can it be? Who knows. Please point me towards someone who knows. I guess "love" is the point of the universe. That's what a modern Christian would say. Which is what I've always told myself and it's a good thing to live by. But it's just too vague and I wan't more information out of it. I can live a simple loving life and do things for people and everything will be fine. But I have moments like this where I'm just burning inside and I'm spewing smoke out my lungs onto this phone screen where I'm sharing it to you. Like what the hell am I doing. Should I just stop having these thoughts? Are these thoughts not for me?
